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Growing up is never easy. Dealing with life. Reality.
Heroic minute.
Wake-sleep-wake. Nakakasawa. Pero I still believe that I can be saved. And maybe this is where I'm supposed to be. Here. Now. It's rewarding.
Yung simple fact na may patient ako na nagkaroon ng tracheostomy, na nagkaroon ng stroke, at vascular dementia, at debilitated. At mahigit 90k ang hospital bill at yun nalang kailangan para makauwi sila. At ang bait-bait ng mga anak niya, ng mga apo niya. Kahit sakin. Tipong chibog lagi binibigay sakin. At lagi kong napapa-suction yung trache niya. Tapos tapos tapos last day dun niya lang ako binigyan ng ngiti at ginalaw niya yung toes niya. GANUN lang nakakasaya na. At yung pasyente ko ngayon, SLE. Na ang 2-year survival e 50% lang. LANG. Kasi may PHPN. At ang bait nilang lahat sakin.
Yung ganun lang.
Sabi ni Carly ang bait ko raw sa mga pasyente ko. Paano ka hindi magiging mabait sa mga napakagandang tao? wala akong pakialam kung paano nga ba talaga sila sa "tunay" na buhay nila sa labas ng ospital, kapag walang sakit. Kasi dun sa saktong moment na andun sila, na nakakausap ko sila... yun yun e. Yung magkaron ka ng koneksyon sa ibang tao. Magkaroon ng silbi sa kanila, kahit gaano ka liit o ka-olat. It's... priceless.
I'm here. Where I should be.
Also. Stuff. Hehe. Ange! See you tuesday. :)
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Saturday, November 8th, 2008
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Finally found a DVD of series 4. Sadly, it doesn't have the Xmas special, Voyage of the Damned. That and Time Crash.
- how do they change outfits between episodes? haha, that and i wish our weather would permit me to wear a long coat. because it's awesome.
- sonic screwdriver!
- also, TORCHWOOD is great. now to find copies of the Sarah Jane Adventures.
- David Tennant is fantastic. I want to see him in other roles.
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Monday, October 27th, 2008
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in the elevator, shivering. it was raining when we walked in, here in the hotel's elevator, at one in the morning, the a/c is on full blast. we shiver. past the second floor. 10 more. hand in hand. lips to lips, groping, finding traction. where does this go? the sound of her breathing, so faint, gets swallowed up by the freezing air or by the maw of my own mouth.
but louder now. this goes here. in this between space, suspended meters above the ground, real ground. tongues slither, probing for a new home. like orphans escaping the night. or secrets and promises, spoken in a new tongue. and this goes here.
still shivering, one floor, then, finally, here. doors open. and close.
this is a prison.
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Saturday, September 6th, 2008
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i sometimes wonder what it would feel like to become, physically and literally, a cog. how does harmonic grinding feel? it's not an entirely foreign concept--these days blur into one, long, dank smear. or i might be tackling things the wrong way. what if the crux is that there's nothing to be felt? and there is no inherent or redeeming value to be gained along the way?
1. this does not make sense.
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watching wall-e many, many weeks ago (2?), i readily recognized the love-sick-jackass archetype wall-e took on when eve went to "sleep". it was not a pleasing experience.
i wanted to walk up to the screen, and repeatedly kick the thing in, just to get at that moron.
if it were possible to walk up to my self from a few years ago, i would love to physically asphyxiate me. for being... well, for being me.
oohhhkay, the self-loathing-o-meter just blew up.
2. yes, this has been one of those long weeks.
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i seem to have lost the ability to build proper (and appropriate!) means of communication. i HAVE something i want to say; instead i'm scribbling.
3. faux pretentious po-mo shit is annoying. heck, po-mo shit is annoying.
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i think... i think... i'm having an existential crisis. i've been having too many of those lately. and i can't seem to resolve them, instead piling on the distractions and defense mechanisms. freudian.
how should i validate my current existence? how do i reconcile the kind of person i appear to be growing into with my desired, ideal person? am i truly dissatisfied with the things, deeds, relationships, etc, or am i just caught up with the ennui? am i truly manic depressive (smart money's on a resounding "YES, FUCKER")?
i enjoy the schoolwork (but not the failing, flailing). i don't enjoy the lack of concrete experience (hah, i'll be regretting that statement next year). i love the challenge. and, simulataneously, run away from it (FTV!) by NOT studying. Yes. Brilliant. Except for Surgery (because I have not figured out the rubric), everything's fine, dandy, manageable (heey i'm doing well in neuro, eent, and medicine [i hope i'm not jinxing anything]). but... the ennui.
oh, man, the ENNUI.
4. Speaking of Ennui (Sylvia Plath):
Jeopardy is jejune now: naïve knight
finds ogres out-of-date and dragons unheard
of, while blasé princesses indict
tilts at terror as downright absurd.
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Sunday, August 17th, 2008
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"Mahalin mo nalang ako ng sobra-sobra, para patas naman tayo 'di ba?"
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"I make no attempt to hide the fact that I am in love with her, and I don't think there's anyone who knows either of us who isn't totally aware of that fact.
So--clearly--there are problems here.
But it gets worse.
It gets worse because Diane's inability to love me makes me love her more. Without a doubt, not loving me is the most alluring thing Diane (or any woman) can do. Nothing makes me love Diane as much as her constant rejection of my heartfelt advances. This is compounded by Diane's own insecurities; the fact that she can reject me time after time after time is what she finds most endearing. She knows I will never give up. She could hate me and I would love her anyway.
So--clearly--this is not a healthy interaction.
But it gets worse.
It gets worse because Diane did something two months ago that is unforgivable (I'm not going to elaborate on this, but feel free to fabricate any scenario you're comfortable with). Now, in the weeks that have passed since this event, I have told her countless times that I forgive her for what she did. But I have been lying, both to her and to myself. So even though I feel like I love her, part of my brain resents her with an unspeakable ferocity. That resentment has changed the way I feel about everything. Now, whenever I feel love, I unconsciously feel grains of rage. And it is becoming harder and harder for me to differentiate between those two emotions.
So--clearly--I am not psychologically flawless.
But it gets worse.
It gets worse because I am now sitting across from Diane at a steak house in upstate New York, and she is eating a salad, and she has the cutest smile I have ever seen. And it gets worse because she's telling me her thoughts on The Merchant of Venice. I have never read The Merchant of Venice, and I'll never read it, and I don't even care what the fuck it's about. But I love sitting across from this adorable person and listening to her talk about ostensibly intelligent bullshit, and I know that we are going to go back to our hotel room in forty minutes, and I know that I am going to get to cradle her body for the next seven hours. But this is still a problem. It's a problem becase--as she chews her salad and smiles away--she is looking into me. And I can just tell that no matter how hard she looks, she will never know that I am not telling her about Lenore. And Lenore is probably someone she would want to know about."
Hahahaha that just slays me, Mr. Klosterman. Fucking amazing.
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i wish i could stop being so underachieving and learn to push my luck. unfortunately, i don't really go around doing things on my own without back-up, an escape plan, an alternate plan, and other paraphernalia. in other words, i get really, really scared easily.
which is why my life will probably be incredibly disappointing; i don't have the nerve to try. but i have to else i end up wasting the time i have to live. but how? i naturally shy away from added responsibility, and have no idea how to find opportunity. ah.
it's been a long week, watched wanted during the weekend (i really, really try to have time for other things) and had too many things to deal with during the week. same for the coming week. the remarkable thing is i've managed to keep my head (mostly) above water. it's not as good as i'd like, but it's significantly better than the same time last year. plus, i'm enjoying most of the things i'm doing (our pediatrics facilitator is fantastic, our ob facilitator ditto plus hey it's the lady who held me when i popped out of my mother sorta awesomeness, everything but general surgery is interesting, neurology is incredibly fun despite the recurrent gaps in my knowledge, etc) so i don't mind most of the stress and sleep deprivation.
my cv is going to look pretty thin, methinks. the only real non-academic things i'll be able to add will be from my college days. nothing during med. i can't be bothered to do anything school-related during weekends, i don't really have an interest in the current organizations... etc. oh noes. i should probably join the parish singles for christ. might be fun. hahahahahaha
i'm thinking of applying for an MA in psych. sir eric told me that in case i'm accepted i can always delay for a year before i have to give up the slot and try again. might be fun, too. i should drop by PHAn next week. anyone wanna go? :)
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Ang galing, kahit nagagalit na nalulungkot na parang tanga sobrang nakakatuwa yung Gusto Ko Lamang Sa Buhay ng Itchyworms haha. Benta yung bagong album. May kanta na napaisip ako ng Badly Drawn Boy pero Pinoy tas masmagaling tas may point na may sumisipol tas merong power pop moment haha
Pero ang ganda talaga nung Gusto Ko... hahahahaha swak na swak. Sino bang hindi magugustuhan ang mainit na akap ng kaibigan?
Ayun, tanggal lahat ng problemang iniisip.
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1. Books.
I own, have read, (still) have not finished:
- jonathan safran foer's everything is illuminated
... because the way it's written literally makes me dizzy at times. thank god for movie adaptations. despite most reviews panning it, i really liked it. none of the emotional notes were cheap, too; obviously some things were obvious (alex's grandfather, for example) while some things aren't quite clear. i'll get to this, someday. i really loved his unabridged pocketbook of lightning, and would consider getting the other book.
- michael chabon's wonder boys
... because... i don't know, really. i finished most of his other books (kavalier, mysteries, summerland, final solution, yiddish policemen) but this one just doesn't have a premise that interests me. i've gone as far as 40 or 50 pages and i just don't... enjoy it. i think that's one of the most important things to keep in mind when reading: i should enjoy it. leisure time isn't neverending so why bother wasting it on unenjoyable stuff? i'll only probably get back to this if someone encourages me to go further; unless that happens, someone want to buy this?
- salvaged prose
... because... uh.
- dostoyevsky's (too lazy to check the sp, sorry) crime and punishment
... because... have you seen how long this thing is?! and the font size is smaller than maugham's of human bondage (which i love and lasts for about 700 pages). thanks to whoever gave me this (i know it's a gift despite the lack of dedication) but... thanks.
- arundhati roy's god of small things
... because... i've actually managed about half of this before finally being annoyed. i know a lot of people love this, but it isn't for me. the writing just feels too... precious. and the family thing in the few indian books i've picked up (and never really finished either...) don't interest me. i understand why people would/could like it, but i can't come around to the same thinking, sorry.
- one hundred years of solitude and love in the time of cholera
... because... i fell asleep after a few pages (repeat X times). i think i managed to get past a generation in 100 years, and most of fermina's life with the doctor... but i just stopped. too boring; i'm not sure how magical realism comes into play here. it might be too subtle for me but, i dunno man, i fell asleep. i think i actually gave away my copy of cholera or, at least, have no intention of following it up.
- house of sand and fog
... because... i can't find it. where the hell is it?
I own, read, love, and would probably never let out of my sight (unless i love you to itty-bitty pieces):
- terry pratchett's discworld novels (too many but also lacking several)
... because... how can you not love the disc?! and everything on it?! i love how all the books really add to each other, what with an actual timeline and chronology of events being built. sure, the specific time intervals are wonky but theses have been written about most of the events or the characters or the whole loveable thing itself. i really, really have to thank rm for mentioning this to me back in high school. because of that i ended up buying wyrd sisters right about the same time we were discussing macbeth in class. dude, that was mind-blowing. then i bought mort from frances' stc classmate (... ano nga ba pangalan niya...), and there it goes. haha, night watch is still closest to me, though. i really, really believe in the thing sam vimes said somewhere there: sometimes all you can and should do is the job regardless of how fucked the world is, keep going forward.
- jasper fforde's thursday next series and the nursery crime/jack spratt series
... because... they're also continuing series! and i'm getting hungry so let's cut this short.
- nick hornby!
- neil gaiman!
- somerset maugham!
- haruki murakami!
- banana yoshimoto!
- melissa bank!
- chuck pahlaniuk!
- ruth reichl!
- anthony bourdain!
- the perks of being a wallflower!
-gods behaving badly!
- arthur and george!
- my legendary girlfriend!
- jonathan strange and mr norrell!
- f sionil jose!
- ambeth ocampo!
- luis katigbak!
- jose rizal (as translated by w. guerrero)
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Paalam, mahabang buhok. You've saved my life so many times.
Hindi ko alam kung paano, kailan o saan, pero magkikita rin tayo balang araw. Haha, oo na Nix, tama na kakaisip. Tama na ang pagnonoche, stite.
Kanina may nakita akong lumang e-mail ni Jopaw, Abril 2005. Nagtatanong, nagtataka kung ano at paano na yung nangyari sa amin mula haiskul. May resonance pa rin siya sa kasalukuyan--ano na nga ba ang nangyayari? Saan patungo? Kailan makakarating? O kaya'y sabi ng Sugarfree: Sino? Nasaan? Kailan ka ba darating at ako ay sagipin sa mundong ito (paraphrase)? Walang sagot; maybe everything's an answer.
Ito yung lente, nagbubulakbol habang binibigo ng linya ang ilaw. Magkadikit na tuhog sa ilalim ng mesa, sa sasakyan, sa bak sit. Pabangong sumisipol ng hele. Pumikit nalang, sinta.
May crush ako sa stranger haha olats. Nasa facebook na rin pala ako haha. Ang hassle ng ang daming pinupuntahan: LJ, multiply, prenster, fezbuk. Buti nalang may Google Reader para sa RSS.
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people who start their sentences with "Well,..." annoy me. i may know the writer personally, i may love every single inch of them, but if they start leading off with "well" on their written sentences i'm momentarily annoyed. the previous run-on sentence is also annoying. at least i pass around the annoyance liberally. or whatnot. fuck whatnot. there're a lot of other grammatical and stylistic eccentricities and quirks that tick me off. like the use of the coma , in between two nouns and and. and, yes, i'm neurotic. happy now? mispellings i don't mind, but wrong grammar? dude. heck, if i'm wrong i'd take it and man up. Man Up!
bakit hindi maka-post ng bidyo sa blog entry sa multiply? buti pa yung sa livejournal. sa taong ito pala ang ika-5 annibersaryo ni LJ. aw. tas buhay pa pala yung blurty ko haha. baduy. ang importante pala ng taong 2003 para sa kin, kung titingnan yung mga nangyari nun. magandang vintage sa mga alaala yung 2003.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxfrRMWF7gY para sa you wear me aawt ng cambio, live recording sa sunken.
may nabasa akong ibang blog, yung los baños daw ng sugar free nakakapag-trigger ng magagandang alaala tungkol sa elbi (as in up). haha, sana lahat tayo mayroong ganung happy place na laging pwedeng takbuhan kapag hinaharap ng kahirapan.
nikkola, gusto mo tumambay sa ganito diba? ito fun o:
WHAT: The Magnet High Street First Anniversary!
WHEN: May 31, Saturday, 8PM
WHERE: Magnet Café, Bonifacio High Street
WHO:
CAMBIO
CIUDAD
FASPITCH
IMAGO
NYKO MACA+PLAYGROUND
PEDICAB
RIVERMAYA
SANDWICH
TAKEN BY CARS
URBANDUB
US-2 EVIL-0
Party starts 8PM with a pre-show starting 7PM. Entrance is P200w/1free
drink.
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I just had two gin and tonics for lunch. And an asian salad with chicken tapa strips.
I love gin and tonics. They make me happy. I wish it would rain. La-la-la-la-la.
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What NBA basketball player are you?
created with QuizFarm.com |
| You scored as Ben Gordon You play like Gordon. You are pretty young and you aren't allways picked first for teams, but you are important to whatever team you play on. You aren't very tall but you have found ways around that.
Ben Gordon |
| 67% | Ron Artest |
| 53% | Shawn Marion |
| 53% | Jason Kidd |
| 47% | Richard Hamilton |
| 47% | LeBron James |
| 43% | Richard Jefferson |
| 40% | Michael Redd |
| 33% | Kobe Bryant |
| 30% | Kevin Garnett |
| 30% | Dirk Nowitzki |
| 30% | Ben Wallace |
| 30% | Steve Nash |
| 20% | Dwyane Wade |
| 20% |
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i update my multiply account more often. :)
but wow, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) kaliwete is almost 5 years
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Wednesday, May 14th, 2008
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tagged by alced
What worries you?
Too many things but they can be grouped into several categories. Most of them fall under Future, Idiocy, and Lurv.
Are you confused as to what lies ahead?
No, more of concern on moving forward.
Is there anything that made you unhappy recently?
Not really.
What did you last cry over?
The father's letter to his dead/missing son in the final act of Douglas Coupland's Hey, Nostradamus! And Gina Pareño's climactic scene in Ploning.
Have you ever dated someone?
I honestly don't know.
Which is more blessed: loving someone or being loved by someone?
Loved > Loving. It's a feeling that should be reseached more. And then bottled and sold.
If the person you like doesn't accept you, would you continue to wait for them to change their feelings?
Magic 8-ball: Yes.
If the person you like is secretly attached, what would you do?
"It's Over!"
What do you want most in life?
"All You Need Is Love"
What's the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
We'd work awesomely together. On a superficial level... boobies? :p
Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yes. So?
Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?
Rich. Money > Marriage up until Scrooge McDuck learns to take over souls! Besides, happiness can be found in both.
Do you like someone right now?
Yes.
Do they like you too?
Magic 8-ball: ... (site stopped working)
If you fall in love with two persons simultaneously, who would you pick?
Edrie's right: polygamy rulez! Hahahahaha.
What type of friends do you like?
Good peoples.
If you played a prank on someone, and she/he fell for the trick, what would you do?
Whut?
If you were betrayed by someone, what would you say to that person?
Not betrayed but lied to: "Tangina mo tarantado." And never ever reveal what you know. Always leave 'em in the lurch.
If the person tagging you likes/loves you, what will you do/say?
Edrie, no.
What do you think of the person who tagged you?
Gwapo. Yihiiii.
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haha Lagnat (Girl in Bus Stop) ng Purplechickens:
Anth (5/3/2008 2:11:12 PM): Sumukob ka sa payong ko. Hindi naman masikip dito.
Anth (5/3/2008 2:11:23 PM): Kapag inanggihan ka o tinanggihan ng silong, heto ako:
Anth (5/3/2008 2:11:29 PM): Tangan ang iong kamay,
Anth (5/3/2008 2:11:34 PM): ang kabila sumasabay
Anth (5/3/2008 2:11:38 PM): sa agos na kumakampay.
Anth (5/3/2008 2:11:57 PM): Sa kumot ng lamig, ako'y nanalig
Anth (5/3/2008 2:12:01 PM): na patuloy lang ang ligalig.
Anth (5/3/2008 2:12:12 PM): At habang buhay ka sa 'king tabi.
Anth (5/3/2008 2:12:18 PM): Iyo ang pasakit.
Anth (5/3/2008 2:12:25 PM): Ang hibla ng langit:
Anth (5/3/2008 2:12:33 PM): putol-putol at nangangalit.
Anth (5/3/2008 2:12:39 PM): Saan ba hahantong ito?
Anth (5/3/2008 2:12:48 PM): Delubyo ng iba'y ligaya ko.
Anth (5/3/2008 2:12:54 PM): Sumukob ka sa payong ko.
Anth (5/3/2008 2:13:00 PM): Ang init ko, magiging init mo.
Sabi ni Nikki needy daw. Di ko makita hahaha.
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i know this is stupid but the txt-speak post on peyups is insulting. public messages, especially one asking for help, shouldn't be phrased like that unless you're advertising something. like icanhazcheezburger! lols.
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